I rarely have time these days to record my thoughts.  I have good intentions about writing things down – my impressions on motherhood, watching Gwendolyn grow and progress, growing closer to God and learning to trust in Him. 

Computer time is limited to Gwen’s naptime.  Some days she goes on nap strike, and other days there are too many demands on my time, and dishes and laundry come before the internet.  Other times, it takes the whole of Gwen’s nap – which often isn’t very long – to wait for a page to load.  For someone who hopes to get pictures uploaded, write e-mails, and maybe get some Christmas shopping done online, this is very discouraging. 

Sometimes I feel disconnected, because e-mail and facebook are my main outlets for correspondence.  I don’t like to talk on the phone a lot since I find it hard to multitask; I tend to pace in circles (or squares or other shapes) around the house while talking on the phone.  At least I get some exercise!  Someone told me that, in a nutshell, I don’t maintain my friendships.  I took this pretty hard, and took issue with it… and for those of you whom I call friends, I hope you don’t feel this way.  I know everyone gets busy, but I try and take the time to write a message, jot down a quick note, whatever, to let you know I’m thinking about you and that you’re important to me.  I prefer to see my friends in person, but sometimes schedules and finances don’t allow for this pleasure.

Gwendolyn is now eleven months.  I can’t believe how big she has gotten!  She’s a little girl… without all the hair. *grin* I have tried to put barrettes in he hair, believe me, but it’s just too short.  I’m sure most babies go through the same stages, but it’s so special to watch Your baby go through them.  Seeing Gwen wave bye-bye both on command and without my telling her to is so sweet!  When she finally began crawling we were bowled over with pride… and now my patience is daily tested with all the things she gets herself into.  I find myself saying “no!” and “Gwendolyn, what are you doing?” much of the time.  Her latest talent is pulling herself up to standing on everything – our legs, her toy area, the couch, the coffee table, the stairs, in her crib during “naptime,” you name it.  This can be particularly hazardous if I’m in the rocking chair and she tries to pull herself up while in the midst of rocking; or if I’m in the middle of making dinner and she comes up behind me just as I’m taking a step.

Not long after I tested a variety of finger foods on her (cheerios, fruit, etc.), she decided she would rather feed herself than put up with the dreariness of being spoon fed.  She’ll still accept homemade yogurt, sometimes cereal, from a spoon – and of course ice cream, which goes without saying – but other than that she’d rather touch her food.  I’m sure you can imagine that this contributes largely to the fact that I’m forever cleaning up after someone or something, and I quickly go through bottles of stain remover.  I find it challenging to give her a varied, nutritious diet of things she can safely and relatively neatly feed herself.

These days, Gwen’s favorite foods (although these can change on a daily basis, due to some infant whim) are toasted avocado and cheese, yogurt (with any number of additions, such as cereal or fruit), meat (primarily chicken or ground turkey), soba noodles and veggies in a soy sauce and sesame oil glaze (one of our recent fave meals), pizza (anything bread-like), mac and cheese, dried apricots, cheerios, cheddar cheese, plums, grapes, citrus fruits (esp. lemons and oranges), and orange juice.  If fed veggies alongside meat of some sort, she’ll usually shun the veggies in favor of the meat, pick out all the meat pieces, and whine for more.  On one such occasion of whining, we said that she had food on her tray and pointed out the veggies; we were quite soft-spoken and matter-of-fact about it, and were surprised and rather humored when Gwen broke into tears at the suggestion of eating her veggies instead.  We often refer to her as our little carnivore. 

She does, however, take after mommy in regards to her sweet tooth.  It’s so nice to finally have an ally in this area.  If Phil doesn’t want to get ice cream with me, I can always rely on Gwendolyn!  I am ashamed to say that there have been a few occasions on which we tricked her into eating her food by feeding her bits of ice cream, and sneaking in bites of real food in-between.  The trick is to keep the ratio of ice cream to real food balanced, so she keeps the creamy flavor in her mouth.  I’m telling you, it’s a science.   

As Gwen nears her first birthday in November, I am both excited and saddened at the same time.  The bigger and more independent she gets, the less of my baby she becomes.  The fact that she only wants Mommy at 2 0’clock in the morning doesn’t count!  We were both sick at the same time recently, and I swore we reverted back to the newborn stage, up at all hours of the night, every night, for at least a week.  I didn’t know how I would have the energy to face the day! 

Motherhood definitely has its challenges… and also its rewards.  I am constantly reminded of how God has blessed us, how my love for her is such a small picture of His love for us.  In some ways it has brought Phil and me closer as a couple, and definitely made us comrades as parents.  Having a child has renewed our desire to be the best examples we can be, to rely on God for our wants and needs, to put Him first in our lives.  

Though we don’t agree with becoming members of a church, we are considering becoming members at Christian Hill Community Church, where we have attended for a number of years, simply so we can be involved in some type of ministry (we aren’t allowed to volunteer unless we’re members).  We have started attending a Truth Project small group here in Exeter, and find it extremely inspirational and thought-provoking.  We don’t make it to church every Sunday, and struggle with finding time for daily devotions, but we make prayer a big part of our lives and we strive to make our Christian walk a lifestyle rather than a religion relegated to church on Sundays.

Much of the time I find myself stressed and pressured, and feel like I'm carrying this massive weight on my shoulders.  What with finances these days, the state of the economy, the upcoming election, trying to raise a child and take care of house and family and work part-time and go shopping and accomplish all of life's mundane and necessary tasks while maintaining a positive attitude... this can be extremely overwhelming.  Even though she doesn't understand, I find myself apologizing to Gwen for snapping at her!  I am prone to outburts on occasion, and though it's not a cure, I find prayer, talking to friends, and listening to K-love Christian radio in the car keeps me grounded. 

There are many songs that speak to me on different occasions, but there's this one song that helps me put things into perspective -especially the frustrations of being a mommy - whenever it comes on the radio.  It's called "One Life to Love" by 33 Miles, and the chorus goes like this:

You only get just one time around, you only get one shot at this
One chance to find out the one thing that you don’t wanna miss
One day when it’s all said and done I hope you see that it was enough
This one ride, one try, one life to love

I didn't intend for this to be such a lengthy update, but there you have it.  Hopefully I'll be able to post some more recent pictures on my facebook profile. 

I started crying while reading Becky and Nichole's respective dream posts.  It made my own hopes and dreams seem so... minimal.  I often wonder what I'm doing here in this world; these days I spend most of my time cleaning up, worrying about various crap, and it seems so pointless.  Every day I pray that God will make me smarter than I am, give me wisdom and discernment, strength and courage and all the things I need to be a loving wife and mother (and friend and daughter and all the other hats I wear).  And most days I feel like I fail miserably. 

Exhibit A: Gwen refuses yet again to eat something I prepared, and I raise my voice and become impatient with her; ironically, whenever I do this, she thinks I'm playing with her.  Sometimes this reaction infuriates me, other times it diffuses my anger.

Exhibit B: Hubby's gone yet again, and I feel alone, and decide to eat a carton of ice cream.  Damn this emotional eating that has forever plagued me.  And the huge hips that have been growing the same amount of time.

Exhibits C and beyond are similar in nature. 

I suppose it varies from day to day where my mind wanders.  If I have a bad day, all my thoughts are doom and gloom, full of self-loathing and condemnation.  Other times I may be more entrepreneurial (sp?)... but my realistic/pessimistic side usually pipes up with "that will never happen," "where will you get the money?", "as if!"

Regardless of the corresponding arguments, here are some of my lofty dreams:

1.  I have always thought it would be neat to have my own business - bed & breakfast, coffee shop, cakerie, whatever.  It would be neat to implement the talents and expertise of my friends and family, and now that I have Gwen, afford an opportunity to make money AND have my daughter with me.  When we thought my aunt from MN might move to RI and buy my grandparents' house, I was excited because she talked about opening a consignment shop, and recruiting my help.  My salvation!  I would have a relaxed job and not have to worry about having a babysitter every day!  I suppose the ideal job would be from home - but I haven't figured that one out yet.

2.  Homeschool Gwen.  The more I learn about the educational system, the more protective I become of her.  I want to have a reading nook in the house, a kid's table where she can color and do all sorts of projects.  I want to have lots of educational toys for her - and keep all others to a minimum.  I constantly question myself and my abilities... but I'm her mother and love her more than anyone else.  I feel so inadequate, but I'm hoping I'll learn and grow as she does, and be prepared by the times she's school-aged.  This is, of course, dependent on my job status.  See? - my realistic side rearing its head.     

3.  I keep thinking three is a good minimum number of children.  If you have one, she'll be all by herself, perhaps somewhat spoiled; two, and they're constantly at odds with one another.  I come from a family of five, and while childhood wasn't the rosiest of times, I love being from a big family.  So - three is a starting point.  Since we have ONE, I want to grow our family.  Because of the blood disease I acquired from my pregnancy, this may prove difficult.  We're still struggling with this one.  I like the idea of adoption - but am not too sure how it would play out in the real world.  I don't know what God has in store for us, but I know I would love to have more children (preferably babies, until I become more experienced with subsequent ages).  I hope to start some meaningful traditions with our kids, while keeping some of the old; I constantly hope that our home will be a safe haven for our kids and extended family, that they will one day look back and feel loved and cherished, remebering and laughing about all the good times.  I just want to do a good job!  And not have to pay for therapy!   

4.  You know the line from "The Three Musketeers" when what's-his-name says, "I may not wear the tunic, but I believe I have the heart of a musketeer," something of that nature?  Well, I feel like I think like a writer - even if I don't necessarily get to putting all those thoughts down on paper, and can't always find the right words to convey a particular idea or emotion.  In essence, I may not write like a writer, but I believe I have the heart of a writer. *grin*  My thoughts are often disjointed, so I probably wouldn't be able to write a novel, but I've often toyed with the idea of writing a memoir.  I get discouraged when I think of all the journals I have around the house, and how little time I spend writing in them - but I think about it!  I am severely delinquent in recording my journey through motherhood - but I'm a little busy! 

5.  Since we're trying to finish our house with a non-existent budget, and I'm always looking for thrifty ways of doing things, I am always wishing I were more creative, innovating and artistic.  I would love to be able to take a piece of FREE or CHEAP junk and turn it into a piece of art with a coat of paint, a little sanding here and there.  If I had the time I would love to scour antique shops, thrift stores, yard sales, whatever, and find all those good deals.  I've often thought I would like to learn how to sew, knit, crochet, make my own clothes and curtains and pillows.  Since I've tried beading, I would love to learn how to work with metal, make dichroic glass.  I get so pressured under the weight and responsibility of buying gifts for and recognizing everyone's special occasion, and it would be wonderful to be able to make a nice, quality, meaningful gift instead of rushing around, wasting time finding something in the stores. 

6.  I wish I could say I have all sorts of ministry and evangelistic ideas, but in truth, I'm clueless.  I've always figured God uses me where he has me, and I just have to be kind and reach out to everyone in my day-to-day world.  I am not missionary minded, though I support them; there is no one ministry that tugs at my heart, although echoing Becky's sentiments I love the idea of supporting mothers.  I am constantly wishing things for a better marriage - understanding, the same level of comittment, renewing our vows in a beautiful ceremony (I will NOT be wearing the same size), the desire to have a simple date night once a month and go to a marriage conference once a year, do a devotional together, spend some one-on-one time (without the kiddo)... yadda yadda yadda.   

Well, I think any other of my notions falls into these categories.  Sometimes in all this mental frivolity it seems I'm wishing to be a whole other person in a whole different situation, because it seems like that's what it will take for any of this to happen.  And then I realize I should just get back to doing the dishes...      

If time goes faster the older we get, Gwen will be a teenager before I know it!  It seems like ages ago I was pregnant... yet it feels like just yesterday I held a 5lb Gwendolyn in my arms. *sigh*  I'm a sentimental sap, and I'm so sad to be "losing" my baby! 

My little girl has progressed so much in the past few months, it's amazing to watch.  I'm sure it's the same with every baby, but when it's your own, it's special and miraculous and you swear your baby is the smartest in the world!

I thought three months was a major turning point, but each new day brings something new.  Some exciting new developments: I've started feeding Gwen homemade baby food (applesauce, banana, avocado, apricot, and sweet potato; soon I'll start making porridge [as opposed to store-bought rice cereal], and am currently trying my hand at making yogurt), she has started rolling over periodically, likes to hold onto her feet and put 'em in her mouth (this helps during diaper changes!), and can't get enough of big-girl baths (with assistance, of course).  I've started doing a few hand signs with her, so we'll see how consistent I can be.  She simply *must* touch everything, put it in her mouth, and try to eat it.  She gained 3lbs and  2" in the last month, but I still sometimes worry that she's not getting enough to eat (there's no way to measure the ounces when you're breastfeeding!). 

I can't imagine doing this with more than one kid (nevermind five, like my mom!), but then I can't imagine never having another baby.  It's interesting, putting things into perspective.  Sometimes it seems like we've been parents forever.  Other times - like when she was fussy the other day - I told Phil that it's only been a matter of *months*, and he replied, "Seventeen and a half years to go."  Hehe.