Thursday, 28 August 2008
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Doing the Dishes
I started crying while reading Becky and Nichole's respective dream posts. It made my own hopes and dreams seem so... minimal. I often wonder what I'm doing here in this world; these days I spend most of my time cleaning up, worrying about various crap, and it seems so pointless. Every day I pray that God will make me smarter than I am, give me wisdom and discernment, strength and courage and all the things I need to be a loving wife and mother (and friend and daughter and all the other hats I wear). And most days I feel like I fail miserably.
Exhibit A: Gwen refuses yet again to eat something I prepared, and I raise my voice and become impatient with her; ironically, whenever I do this, she thinks I'm playing with her. Sometimes this reaction infuriates me, other times it diffuses my anger.
Exhibit B: Hubby's gone yet again, and I feel alone, and decide to eat a carton of ice cream. Damn this emotional eating that has forever plagued me. And the huge hips that have been growing the same amount of time.
Exhibits C and beyond are similar in nature.
I suppose it varies from day to day where my mind wanders. If I have a bad day, all my thoughts are doom and gloom, full of self-loathing and condemnation. Other times I may be more entrepreneurial (sp?)... but my realistic/pessimistic side usually pipes up with "that will never happen," "where will you get the money?", "as if!"
Regardless of the corresponding arguments, here are some of my lofty dreams:
1. I have always thought it would be neat to have my own business - bed & breakfast, coffee shop, cakerie, whatever. It would be neat to implement the talents and expertise of my friends and family, and now that I have Gwen, afford an opportunity to make money AND have my daughter with me. When we thought my aunt from MN might move to RI and buy my grandparents' house, I was excited because she talked about opening a consignment shop, and recruiting my help. My salvation! I would have a relaxed job and not have to worry about having a babysitter every day! I suppose the ideal job would be from home - but I haven't figured that one out yet.
2. Homeschool Gwen. The more I learn about the educational system, the more protective I become of her. I want to have a reading nook in the house, a kid's table where she can color and do all sorts of projects. I want to have lots of educational toys for her - and keep all others to a minimum. I constantly question myself and my abilities... but I'm her mother and love her more than anyone else. I feel so inadequate, but I'm hoping I'll learn and grow as she does, and be prepared by the times she's school-aged. This is, of course, dependent on my job status. See? - my realistic side rearing its head.
3. I keep thinking three is a good minimum number of children. If you have one, she'll be all by herself, perhaps somewhat spoiled; two, and they're constantly at odds with one another. I come from a family of five, and while childhood wasn't the rosiest of times, I love being from a big family. So - three is a starting point. Since we have ONE, I want to grow our family. Because of the blood disease I acquired from my pregnancy, this may prove difficult. We're still struggling with this one. I like the idea of adoption - but am not too sure how it would play out in the real world. I don't know what God has in store for us, but I know I would love to have more children (preferably babies, until I become more experienced with subsequent ages). I hope to start some meaningful traditions with our kids, while keeping some of the old; I constantly hope that our home will be a safe haven for our kids and extended family, that they will one day look back and feel loved and cherished, remebering and laughing about all the good times. I just want to do a good job! And not have to pay for therapy!
4. You know the line from "The Three Musketeers" when what's-his-name says, "I may not wear the tunic, but I believe I have the heart of a musketeer," something of that nature? Well, I feel like I think like a writer - even if I don't necessarily get to putting all those thoughts down on paper, and can't always find the right words to convey a particular idea or emotion. In essence, I may not write like a writer, but I believe I have the heart of a writer. *grin* My thoughts are often disjointed, so I probably wouldn't be able to write a novel, but I've often toyed with the idea of writing a memoir. I get discouraged when I think of all the journals I have around the house, and how little time I spend writing in them - but I think about it! I am severely delinquent in recording my journey through motherhood - but I'm a little busy!
5. Since we're trying to finish our house with a non-existent budget, and I'm always looking for thrifty ways of doing things, I am always wishing I were more creative, innovating and artistic. I would love to be able to take a piece of FREE or CHEAP junk and turn it into a piece of art with a coat of paint, a little sanding here and there. If I had the time I would love to scour antique shops, thrift stores, yard sales, whatever, and find all those good deals. I've often thought I would like to learn how to sew, knit, crochet, make my own clothes and curtains and pillows. Since I've tried beading, I would love to learn how to work with metal, make dichroic glass. I get so pressured under the weight and responsibility of buying gifts for and recognizing everyone's special occasion, and it would be wonderful to be able to make a nice, quality, meaningful gift instead of rushing around, wasting time finding something in the stores.
6. I wish I could say I have all sorts of ministry and evangelistic ideas, but in truth, I'm clueless. I've always figured God uses me where he has me, and I just have to be kind and reach out to everyone in my day-to-day world. I am not missionary minded, though I support them; there is no one ministry that tugs at my heart, although echoing Becky's sentiments I love the idea of supporting mothers. I am constantly wishing things for a better marriage - understanding, the same level of comittment, renewing our vows in a beautiful ceremony (I will NOT be wearing the same size), the desire to have a simple date night once a month and go to a marriage conference once a year, do a devotional together, spend some one-on-one time (without the kiddo)... yadda yadda yadda.
Well, I think any other of my notions falls into these categories. Sometimes in all this mental frivolity it seems I'm wishing to be a whole other person in a whole different situation, because it seems like that's what it will take for any of this to happen. And then I realize I should just get back to doing the dishes...
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Comments (3)
I totally echo your sentiments (grin) on just wanting to become a better person, etc. If I never get to "change the world" through a scholarship fund or whatever, I would be satisfied if I could just be a good wife/mother/friend!
1.) Next time we get together, I'll share some of the stuff I learned at that conference! I found a couple of great resources I'll share, too. Didn't your Dad say he'd invest in your business?
3.) Yeah, I just love the idea of a bigger family, watching everyone do different things when they grow up, etc. so I think that's why we'd consider adoption, too.
4.) Hey, those letters are a start!
6.) Oh yeah! You reminded me that I want to be more helpful to other mothers. I don't have dreams for a formal ministry but that is a goal.
If you want to do any of these together (well, except #3 -- well, what the heck? We could sponsor a kid in Africa or something!), I'm game. :)
Hi Karla,
I read your comment on Nichole's site and commented there, but I wanted to comment over here.
There are a lot of things I didn't know until recently that I wish I have known five years ago when we had just gotten married and before we had Riley. Those were the toughest years. It gets easier. We make more and live off of less even with the rising rates of everything than we did then.
If you look for it, opportunities are every where to learn more, find more education, help others, and make money. I worked for over three years as a part time nanny twice a month to the Corporate VP of Microsoft's family. I worked nights and weekends. I brought Riley once or twice, but usually left him at home. Now he's practically part of the family as is my daughter Reagan. I probably made I might have made about $2000 a year doing this and every little bit counts. It was hard work, but I loved it and I've worked with families for 18 years and have a families ministries degree. It was a good use of my education.
Sometimes my husband and I would watch children for a weekend maybe twice a year for families who had no other family in the church. The kids were always the best kids, best families, etc and the families paid well. Of course we brought Riley. We spent the weekend taking the kids to places like hiking or something or to the aquarium and it also provided another $1000 a year.
Now with two kids, I can say that if you have any desire to do something like this - families can't find good sitters - I can't and I would hire a mom with a baby who had time during the day for $15 an hour. All I would ask for is that you'd read a story to my child and promise not to smoke or swear. You could sleep on the couch for all I care. I'm just so tired of not being able to FIND a sitter who likes children. It brings me to tears.
Second, local community centers have mommy and me classes for moms with babies that are relatively free or inexpensive. They also offer sometimes knitting, crocheting, etc. I have a friend from CIU that is working with her community center in Portland to teach similar classes. After graduating from CIU she went to Arts and Crafts college and graduating with another BA. She's pretty talented. She's giving back to the community by teaching women which is her dream and your community might have something similar and affordable which would make your dream acheivable. The more involved you get, the more you will feel accomplished and turn to knitting and not emotional eating. :o) You also find people like you with like interests.
The government has set up grants for moms for education and made it easier than ever to get a higher education, complete an education, return to college, AND ALSO to get grants for starting businesses...not loans. Women in business are well funded as a minority. If it's a dream you have, it's well worth using you $14 a month internet connection to google a few references and find out what's available.
You will reach people by simply being real and being you and you've always done a great job of that from what I can see. You're very sincere. I wouldn't worry about trying to figure out any method of evangelism except continuing to be sincere and loving others as you already do.
Gwen's a cutie! I wish you all the best...
~ Catherine
Karla, I don't read your Xanga often. I should though. Your baby is cute!
Do you know what your deductible is per person and per family? For example, our blue cross policy is $200 per person and $500 per family even though there are 4 of us. You only have to pay once per person per year...and once I went to the emergency room in August and if it had been September they would have rolled it into the next calendar year. It does not apply to well visits.
More importantly, if you compare the 100% policy premiums to the 90/10 or 80/20 what is the stop loss per person/per year? And the limit of your current policy. How much will it pay out in a year/lifetime if something does happen?
I understand about the cars. I can't imagine not having our SUV. It doesn't drive well in snow and we live on kind of a mountain now. It snows here when it rains everywhere else. I'm not looking forward to the winter.
~ Cat