Monday, 07 July 2008
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fraud
How is it that I can be encouraging and supportive to others, but completely condemning and judgemental of myself. Sometimes I feel so hypocritical offering advice when I really should eat my own words... except that I've already stuffed myself to the gills, I couldn't possibly fit a morsel of good advice. I feel like a fraud. So what does it mean to just "be myself?"
Blessed as I am with a wonderful family, my beautiful little Gwen, a few close and faithful friends, I feel guilty acknowledging that I'm disappointed [in myself]. Sometimes I wonder - especially as I'm loading the dishwasher or doing some other mundane task - what all This is for. It feels like the whole point to this Thorn in My Side is to "fight the good fight," be a good example or - as I often think - be a bad example, an example of how one should NOT conduct her life.
It seems I never really conquer my demons, just distract and re-direct until I can't remember what the fuss was all about... but when my guard is let down, they swoop down and take hold of my heart once again. I'm tired of fighting and losing, fighting and thinking I've gained ground, fighting fighting. Tired.
How will I ever set a good example for Gwen? How will I teach her about the good things in life when I embody the bad? I've been trying to change for as long as I can remember, will it be any different? Maybe this is just Life, and I'm not cut out for the game.
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Comments (5)
Hmm, you put into words what I have felt for years. I do feel like I've made a little progress, though, so I try to focus on that. If nothing else, a few years experience has at least taught me a few things I didn't know before -- so although I might still be undisciplined in the same areas, I'm not as naive, and have something to go on. Does that make sense?
@simply_nikki - I guess it makes some sense. But just when I think, "hey, I'm making progress!" I revert back to my old self, my old ways of thinking. How do we fully change? How do we adopt a new mindset? It's maddening.
@karlitacat - Well, I think we'll always have setbacks and that each of us has our own "special" setbacks. Remember how Franklin kept that diary or personal progress and then dumped the whole idea because he realized if he "conquered" the other virtues, he couldn't be humble? Even if we COULD fully conquer something, there would be something else! It's what makes us human.
I found this really encouraging today.
Perhaps this is a bit vain, but regardless its true. Micheal and I live in an area where lots of great potential is squandered. Youth out here have no ambition, no goals, and what's worse no desire to improve themselves beyond what their family has done (which isn't much at all). There isn't much to do in Grant County so what do teens do when they're bored? They make babies, they're apathetic enough to not even try to prevent pregnancy! So that leaves Micheal and I to have big aspirations for both ourselves and Kevin. We're at a point where our own personal shortcomings become accepted in exchange for other more attainable more lofty goals. Basically we're capitalizing on our strengths and aspiring to pass those on, while acknowledging our faults and trying to minimize their effects on Kev. Right now for example we're working on Manny's vocabulary, and it seems to be sinking in. He's asking what certain words mean!
I hope that's not confusing, but that's what we're attempting. Not personifying what you want to see in your child is part of being human. We're naturally imperfect ever since Adam and Eve, its our job to accept this and focus on passing along our strengths.